“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” – Douglas Adams
We all make mistakes. What matters most is how we respond to them. But what often stands in the way of this is the fact that we often don’t know when what we say or do is a problem. That’s why it’s important to have people around us who can help us become more aware of our flaws, ultimately helping us improve.
Of course, this is a very sensitive subject and requires a great deal of tact. A great book outlining the art of critique (among many other things) is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (also available in South Africa). Below are some suggestions that may prove useful.
“A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself.” – Frances Ward Weller
Make sure you are there to do it in person. And make sure you are assertive and clear without coming across as aggressive, controlling, or insensitive. Focus on the specifics by first mentioning what they are doing well. This can act as a good icebreaker. Another great suggestion is to mention some of your own mistakes before bringing up theirs.
Then you need to talk about what exactly was done wrong, why it’s a problem, and how it makes you feel. Talking about emotions incorporates an element of empathy which some might feel is inappropriate at times. Ultimately, it’ll depend on whether you’re dealing with a personal or professional relationship and a great deal of subjectivity.
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” – Abraham Lincoln
The main thing is to criticise behaviour and not character. That’s because what we do can easily be corrected whereas who we are goes much deeper. For example, don’t call someone lazy or incompetent when they missed a meeting or some other deadline. Making sure they’re prompt in future can be fixed but personal attacks only make things worse.
Then offer specific solutions to fix the problem. Do it gently so they don’t feel any worse and can also feel that the ideas for improvement are their own. Appeal to nobler motives to make them feel as though they’re more than capable of succeeding at the challenge. Then use encouragement to make the fault seem easy to fix and praise every subsequent improvement, even the slightest one.
“People ask for criticism, but they only want praise.” – W. Somerset Maugham
Receiving criticism from other people is just as crucial for learning. The first step is to distinguish between two types: justified feedback and personal attack.
Justified feedback is valuable. It is something we should actively seek out and be grateful for. Yes, it may be unpleasant but we need to get over our egos and realise we aren’t as brilliant as we think. Having objective opinions on your performance is a great way to discover faults you may have completely overlooked.
Personal attacks are the type of criticism we should ignore simply because they’re mostly not even about you. People will say and do things just to feel better. Perhaps they’re dealing with anger, jealously, or other insecurities and simply happened to take it out on you. Don’t ever take it personally! Be happy as long as you know you did your best. It’s the only thing that really matters.
“I am a very fortunate man. Whenever I make a mistake, other people are sure to notice it.” – Confucius
(For more resources and tips, download your free copy of “Work in Progress” exclusively from www.varsityblah.com/about)
